Today on the blog, Susie Hamilton shares her testimony with us. Thank you, Susie for your obedience to God and your bravery to share.
I grew up in a small country town. My father was the pastor of the church we attended. I was a PK, pastor’s kid. I was expected to be an example for the rest of the youth. But I had a secret. I had been sexually abused by some neighborhood boys and threatened not to tell or worse would happen, so I kept my mouth shut and put on my mask and pretended to be the perfect daughter. This opened doors for strongholds of shame, loss of self-worth, fear, bitterness, anger, and lack of trust to take root in my life. During my teen years these strongholds were fed by many things such as being the last kid picked in games, the awkwardness of adolescense and more. I felt like an ugly duckling in a room full of swans.
I got saved and worked in different capacities as Youth director and camp counselor but never dealt with my secret hurts and wounds. One spring while home for a break between semesters of college my father was murdered by a neighbor who had taken my dad to court and lost. He had decided to take justice into his hands. With my dads death and the trial that followed I decided that God could not be a God of love to allow this to happen so I ran from God. Within a year I chose to enter the gay lifestyle. I felt celebrated and encouraged to be who I felt I was. There is pleasure in sin for a season but it is followed by the consequences of that choice.
I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have a hysterectomy to remove it. This resulted in my not being able to have children and hormonal changes along with a relationship breakup. I was devastated. I admitted myself to a Psych ward for help. I was diagnosed with severe depression and PTSD. I had also begun to drink heavily to drown my sorrows and dull the pain. After a few more relationship breakups I attempted suicide. I was tired of hurting and felt this was the best solution. But God had other plans. He had continued to pursue me. A friend that was not supposed to visit me that evening came by and called 911. I again spent time in a psych ward. After my release I felt it might be a good idea to give God another try so I went back to church and began to get help. I was doing very good for awhile, but I still had not dealt with those deep wounds. I still felt a loneliness in my soul. I again began to look to fill that longing in the wrong place, in the arms of another woman. I knew it was wrong even as I chose to do it but I had a big hole in my soul, one that only God could fill, but I didn’t know that at the time.
After a couple of years I realized what a huge mistake I had made and returned to God. This time was different. I began to ask and allow him to heal the wounds. I took each one to the cross and allowed Jesus’s blood to flow over them, while crying buckets of tears.
During this time I ended up having life saving heart surgery. I had a stent inserted in the main artery of my heart. God showed me that even though I had a physical heart problem, I also had a spiritual heart problem. My life had become clogged and filled with the damaged emotions and brokenness of my past. In order for my soul to grow in relationship with Father God, it needed to be cleaned out. It was a relationship with God that I had missed all those years.
Today, I am amazed at the change God has done in my life. He has truly completely changed me. I’m not perfect but I continue on my journey with God. I now know my true identity. I am a daughter of the Most High God.
Susie has written her memoir. You can purchase “Broken to Whole at the Cross” here: https://www.xulonpress.com/bookstore/bookdetail.php?PB_ISBN=9781498478823&HC_ISBN,